


i was torn apart (but i glued myself back together)

by SeveralRainyDays



Series: college series [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Eventual Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Other, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, i swear this isn't as angsty as the tags make it seem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 14:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17664212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeveralRainyDays/pseuds/SeveralRainyDays
Summary: Sometimes nothing was okay but that in itself was okay.in which Doyoung learns how to live again





	i was torn apart (but i glued myself back together)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! Please read the tags and if you are sensitive to any of them please do not read this story :) If you believe that any tags should be added please tell me kindly and I will add them. 
> 
> also highly unedited and wowza this was over 2,000 words... I never write that much in one sitting??

Doyoung thinks it all starts when he is 7. Young and naive, willing to believe anything that anybody says to him. When his older cousins talk to him, he is happy and joyful because they never seemed to want to talk to him. Now he understands that dealing with a 7 year old is annoying and burdensome but he still thinks back to the days when his cousins left him behind, taunting and teasing him, saying he isn’t old enough to hang out with them. They would walk places without him, his tiny legs unable to catch up. One time, he recalls, they locked him in a dog cage and laughed at him while he cried.

 

Yet, he still loves his cousins. Even after the oldest male pulls out a fleshy looking thing from his pants and tells him to rub it, to see how it feels. He is 7 and that cousin’s older sister is looking in her bedroom for a game that she can’t seem to find, seemingly taking forever. Doyoung washes his hands with soap when his parents come to pick him up, the smell never really seems to fade.

 

He took pride in being a horrible kid, for some reason he always seemed to be getting in trouble, whether it was for trivial things such as not putting his name on a paper, to blatantly disrespecting a teacher. For some reason, it seems to be the only way to get attention from anyone. Eventually he gets stuck with a reading helper, because apparently he struggles in reading, because he is dumb. Doyoung is dumb and that is all he will ever seem to be. 

 

His parents never tuck him in before bed, nor do they read him bedtime stories. His oldest brother sits in his room all day, studying, never getting anything lower than an A. Doyoung’s habits of never trying at school, never writing down homework, never being able to remember how to do the math correctly continue into his middle school years, when he never seems to be able to do his homework. Eventually he ends up stuck with a math tutor, because all his parents seem to care about are appearances. Doyoung must be the perfect child, must not disobey, must not be too rash.

 

He fails at being the perfect child. His sibling is everything he isn’t, smart, courteous, respectful, athletic. One day though, Doyoung gets recommended for the honors reading classes. Finally, he thinks, he is smart, he is finally worth something. That is, until his mother tells him that his older brother was in the honors reading class fifth through eighth grade. Doyoung is already halfway through his fifth grade year when he is recommended for the honors class in sixth grade because he has already read through all the books that the teacher has for him. 

 

It’s still not enough to please. Expectations burden him and the never ending problem of never being able to write a single homework assignment hurt his performance. Sixth grade is a struggle, math is hard and he can’t comprehend it well enough. He somehow slips by with a B- on his report card and hides tests that he got Fs on under his bed. It’s the first time he’s ever gotten an F on a test and he can’t help but think how stupid he is. He cries at how hard math is and how unhelpful the teacher is as all he does is rush through the materials, never taking more than a day to go over the new material and all Doyoung wants to do is quit. A speaker comes to their school one day, tells everyone to close their eyes and raise their hand if they’ve ever thought of committing suicide. He doesn’t raise his hand, fear of something happening, someone seeing but he can’t help but think “hasn’t everyone thought of dying at some point?” Doyoung doesn’t realize until he’s much older that he was still a kid, still so young and someone of that age shouldn’t be thinking of these things.

 

His older brother goes to college and never seems to want to come back. He avoids coming back home at all costs and Doyoung misses him so much.

 

Seventh grade is amazing yet so dark. He makes new friends but they’re all suicidal and they keep pushing each other lower and lower into the pit, yet it amazing because it’s such a fun time and he can’t explain it but he feels  _ alive _ again. Doyoung feels like someone finally understands him but at the time he doesn’t understand how bad it is, how low he is sinking into the pit.

 

His friends cut their skin and talk about suicide on a regular basis, as if it normal. They are lazy and being to refuse to hang out because they’d rather sleep in their bed. Doyoung thinks back and thinks about how he should’ve helped but then he takes a step back and realizes that he was young and incapable of dealing with other suicidal people since he was suicidal himself. In his group, suicide becomes normalized and he goes along with it because he doesn’t know any better.

 

Eighth grade is already being stuck in a sandpit and being pulled in further, it's full of the constant feeling of drowning and the constant need to die, to just kill himself already, to get it over with. He cuts his skin for the first time, on the ankles where nobody can see. His grandfather dies, his honors reading class becomes unbearable. The old teacher retired last year and the new one expects the work on time, a complete opposite to the old Mr. Smith who didn’t care if you turned it in four weeks late. 

 

Doyoung has his first experience with trying to talk a friend out of suicide, not one of his friends that he sees in person everyday, this girl was just a face behind a keyboard, yet he cares for her so much. She lives in a completely different country and leaves him a goodbye note on a silly website that they used to endlessly talk on. For three weeks straight, he messages her every single day, feeling more and more guilty every day that he couldn’t get there quicker, faster. That he wasn’t able to save her.

 

He has his first panic attack, after social services are called on his family. The police tell him he’s too fat to be starved by his family, he doesn’t tell them that it’s obvious he can cook and is more than capable of buying himself food. They tell him to file a report, another one that will get lost in the endless amounts of cases they have. Then they tell him that he should be grateful for the family that he has, the family that has thrown things at him and constantly pressured him to do better, he genuinely believes that he should die at this moment. He doesn’t think he’ll ever trust the authorities again and then his family hushes him, they tell him that he is invalid and that he is unworthy. He believes it. 

 

His family takes his electronics away because of this incident, he spends his days laying in bed, crying. He doesn’t tell his friends at school. He’d be too much of an attention seeker if this got out. His father tells him that he is a disappointment, that if this incident ever gets out, Doyoung will pay. He cries so much at night that he becomes numb but puts on a smile each morning when he greets his friends. Somehow, even though he seems to never be able to keep a secret, he keeps this a secret. 

 

Panic attacks become so frequent they seem like friends and the never ending due dates of homework assignments make his insides turn and he just wants to die so badly. He wonders if he’s fat, he stops eating every day of the week and makes bets with his friends with who could go longer without eating. He wonders every single day if he could consider what happened to him at seven rape, or it that’s taking it too far because nothing really happened. Doyoung then begins to wonder if the household he lives in really is okay even though his mom seems to drink vodka every day and his father drowns himself in beer. He then begins to think that it must be okay because that is what everyone told him to believe.

 

Doyoung doesn’t know how but he manages to get himself through the middle school years he’d like to call hell. He ends his friendships with his middle school friends as he finds himself in a much bigger world than middle school. He finds new friends who help him. Sehyoon, who had just moved to this city becomes one of his best friends quickly. Chan and Byeongkwan soon are added to the mix. He never tells them though, as much as his chest feels like it’s about to explode because of the weight his secrets hold.

 

Eventually he starts running again, doing sports, enjoying life. He even gets a boyfriend. They don’t last long but Doyoung is too happy to care about the breakup. His friends ask him if he was okay and he could genuinely say that he was. Grades in school rise. He still struggles with writing down homework and doing it but he’s improving steadily. He reconnects with his old friends but keeps them at an arms length apart because he doesn’t want to be sucked back into the pit. As much as he wants to help them he realizes that he is still susceptible and vulnerable and is not in a position to offer them his support.

 

He reconnects with his brother who he learns has faults like his own. He tries his best to understand his brother but then takes a step back and realizes that Gongmyung is too sensitive to try and talk to about prickly topics. Doyoung lashes out one day at him on accident, calling him cruel and insensitive names. He is mature enough to apologize but still too immature to have a conversation with his brother about why he is upset and leaves it at that. They both forget it ever happened and Doyoung feels better when the next time he sees his brother, he doesn’t mention the argument.

 

He still doesn’t tell people how he feels, all throughout high school. Doyoung never tells his secrets and keeps them to himself, his friends were only superficial anyways. He knows that once college hits, they will forget about him. 

 

Somehow though, Doyoung manages to score high on his testing required for college and he gets that scholarship that he’s always wanted out of state. The college wants him to play soccer for them and he is more than happy to oblige. He is right though, he barely has the time to keep in contact with old friends anymore and they become a thing of the past. He crams himself with school work —pre-med is hard work especially when you’re trying to balance that with college soccer. He’s happy though and is willing to put in the effort.

 

He meets friends that he begins to truly trust and perhaps he will trust them enough one day to tell them his story. Doyoung does still have rough days, yes, but he’s learned how to look forward to the day. How to push himself out of bed on those extremely rough mornings. How not to be upset and lash out endlessly at his roommates when they fail to keep their dorm room clean. He learns how to take a step back, breath, then calmly ask them to clean their areas. Somewhere along the way, Doyoung learns that being patient is so much better than being angry. All his parents ever were was angry but Doyoung has become so much more than his parents. So much more than a blank face behind a vodka bottle. So much more than just another shitty person because of the shitty environment he was born in. Doyoung has grown, he has made mistakes along the way and has also had a fair share of successes along the way.

  
Doyoung has learned that  sometimes nothing was okay but that in itself was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys... I finally wrote a story with a happy ending! Everyone keeps telling me to write happier endings... well I tried? This is kinda based off of my life so if anything seems inaccurate I wrote it completely based on my experiences. I feel like I have so much to say yet nothing to say at all? I let one of my friends read this and she's the only one who knows my entire story and she told me I desperately needed a hug. Whoops? This note has been kinda all over the place.. but I just wanted to say that I legit never write this much and I also have 0 dialogue? There is also like 0 description of anything. I haven't wrote anything in a little less than a year because my English class has sucked away all my creative writing abilities because it is all do this do that and 0 creative writing. That would be why this story is a little rough but I tried my best and for writing it all in 2 hours I think I did decent? Maybe one day I'll go back and add some description to make it a little less... raw? And easier to read? Regardless I'm gonna try and make this into a series of Doyoung's college adventures! Now whether the next story will be uploaded in 2 days or 10 years I have absolutely no idea because I don't know how to write also I legit have no idea what I'm going to write next. Sorry that this note was so long? My notes are always so long I need to learn how to shut up quicker omg
> 
> Anyways everyone please leave a kudos and comment if you are a brave soul! I am always desperate for comments lol :)


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